This shall be long.
I have been troubled recently as I have found a girl that I have fallen madly in love with but sadly feel like I’m not enough. Truth is I will never be & hopefully she feels the same as I think that’s a healthy part of a relationship. When you feel you are bigger or better than your counterpart it becomes a waste. Everything that I have done recently to impress her and make myself has worked well. Though one of the bad parts is due to my mental state of the last few years, I have yet to shake off my over thinking brain. Therefore the things she done in her past bother me, especially when she says she is “too drunk to remember”.
I’ll be the first to say the past is the past, and it hurts me in a strange way, because I think I want to spend my life with her. I knew her for years, we were close friends. When we first kissed many years ago I knew then my life was forever changed. She changed me and continues too. Which is great, change and fear are misunderstood as bad things! this is foolish. I used to not care how I looked I smelt, what I wore. I never gave a shit about how skinny I was or how my hair or body looked in anyway. One thing I love now is I have someone to impress, I have someone to wear aftershave for which fills my heart with joy. She simply is the best I will ever get. Sure there is many sexier guys than me, and more girls than her. We can have meaningless sex with a lot of people. We could experience the best sex or sexual act. We could choose looks over personality. And how I feel is I would give it all up, YES I have some famous celebs I wish to put my dick inside. But what Rebecca offers me is more than just one amazing night of sex. She gives me that and a whole lot more. Once I said to my friend
"don’t cheat or wish you had someone else, Sex is the same every time. It’s just a different face"
I still believe that. Random sex has never been a part of me, and never interested me, I have one or two friend who have slept with over 100 girls and Only half a percent of me is jealous. The rest of me thinks (So, I am happy with who I am, a woman is going to love my mind and my soul for what it is. I am gonna be rewarded inside myself for being honest and choosing a life that makes ME happy. by ME I mean me NOW and me in the FUTURE. I have no nights where I took advantage or a drunk girl and that helps me sleep at night. I have only put my penis is a woman I was in love with, which also makes me sleep at night.
Anyway, becca does more, I would give up all those extra things in life because she makes me happy all the time. She gives me what I want in fantasies and more, She seems to have a connection with me and my heart that know one knows of. I can look in her eyes and the world will stand still. She is everything to me & I know it sounds silly but one day If I don’t marry her I will be regretting that so much.
Johnny Depp said it best “after two months together we just knew, we were planning kids and our future”
and this is the same, (yes I just said in this comparison I am Johnny Depp)
But taking joy from the relationship is me, I can’t get past being worse then her ex lovers. I keep thinking of her with other men and it kills me, because to me my body is something I have kept for myself. And one time in her life it was the exact opposite. I fear she is going to go back to that sometime in the future. Maybe she will want that excitement again. What if she actually starts to notice how bad I am, and how much more she can get and leaves?
I am so serious about this relationship. And needed to get off my chest my impurities and insecurities. Once my mind has battled all of it’s anxiety I shall be normal again. I beg it comes soon. I just hope she will stick around for my rehabilitation, because she has made me healthier and without her I will crumble again.
Any words of wisdom you can throw my way would be nice, but none of this forget the past! I understand my faults and wouldn’t care if I wasn’t so mentally unstable.
Thanks for reading this far, next time just read “The count of monte cristo” It’s much better and a lot shorter haha
yes it is! everything is going pretty well. Things are slowly looking up, how about you?! xx